Those Damn Posters
by Golden-Sama
Summary: Frederick's latest attempt to boost morale might lead Chrom straight into an early grave.


"Frederick, do you never tire?" Chrom sighed as he looked up at the stalwart knight who had always been at his side. He knew that Frederick was the finest knight in all of Ylisse – a man who took his sense of duty and honor to extremes beyond the pale.

He had spent the last several minutes listening to Frederick's report. The Knight had been busy, patrolling the camp, inspecting the weaponry, reinforcing tents, procuring supplies... Chrom was both impressed and a little worried at just how far Frederick went, not just to protect the camp, but to make everyone's lives easier.

"Of course not, milord. I am here to serve." Frederick replied, and then a look of remembrance crossed his face. "Ah, and one final thing: I've taken measures to raise troop numbers and morale. I had an artisan create posters emblazoned with your noble image. It's milord in a bold pose – naked, save a scale in one hand and a sword in the other. And at your feet, I scrawled our new recruiting motto: 'Chrom Wants You!' I had them pinned inside each and every tent. Surely the troops will be thrilled to rally behind their common leader, milord."

There was a brief silence as Chrom's brain made sense of this information. For a few fleeting seconds, he clung to the hope this was all just a joke – but then he remembered that Frederick _never_ joked.

"... Wait. You did what?! In whose... You hung this pict... In EVERYONE'S tent?!" Chrom looked stunned, his eyes wide as saucers.

"No need for thanks, milord. Merely doing my duty. And that concludes my report. Rest well, sire!" Frederick gave a bow and then walked out of Chrom's tent without a second glance back at his the blue-haired prince.

"F-Frederick! Wait! We really need to... talk. … Oh, gods. I've got to tear those posters down before anyone sees them!"

The young prince, normally a bastion of composure bound from his tent like a mad drunkard at closing time. He began to run through the camp, bursting into the tents of his fellow soldiers and scrambling around like mad to find – and destroy – the posters.

The first tent he jumped into belonged to Stahl, a loyal knight who had long served the Shepherds. As he burst inside, he saw Stahl sitting at his desk and writing a letter – and the moment the messy-haired knight spotted Chrom he just shook his head and turned red.

"Um... sir... that poster... it's not, like, a rule that we have to have that hung up, is it? I'd really rather not have that on the wall all night..." Stahl rubbed his neck awkwardly, clearly afraid to offend the future King he had sworn allegiance to.

Chrom just uttered a foul groan as he grabbed the parchment from the wall and ripped it down, crumbling it in his hand before rushing out of the tent without even attempting an explanation. He needed to get the rest of the posters before anyone else saw them!

The next tent he spotted belonged to Sully and Chrom jumped inside without a moment's thought – only to end up with a fist slammed down square in the middle of his nose. He fell backwards, letting out a loud grunt as he clutched his nose, feeling the trickling of sticky blood as it oozed down between his fingers.

"Oi! Chrom, what the HELL, man?" Sully growled as the curly redheaded tomboy stared daggers at him, her fist clenched tight – and her armored gauntlet still on. "You shouldn't just jump into a lady's tent, especially not after you hung your porn in here!"

"It's not porn!" Chrom groaned. "And I didn't hang it! It was Frederick! He's trying to raise the troop's moral!"

Sully started to laugh and slapped her knee, shaking her head. "You sure Frederick ain't trying to raise something _else_? Actually, looking at the picture, maybe the artist should have raised _your_ moral."

"STOP TALKING." Chrom shouted as he ripped the poster from her wall and crumbed it like he had the first. He stuffed it into the bag strapped to his belt and then ran out of the tent. Normally the idea of rushing out of a woman's tent in the middle of the night with a nosebleed would have been unthinkable to Chrom, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

He dashed down the dirt embankment towards the next tent, well-aware that his shirt was quickly getting covered in droplets of blood. As he rushed to the flap of the tent, someone unexpectedly stepped out and Chrom crashed right into them, falling backwards into the dirt.

"Lord Chrom!" Virion declared loudly as he looked down at the prince. "You have my apologies, although I fear that I must demand an apology from you as well! While it is true I have many nude portraits hanging on the walls of my tent, if you had looked closely you would notice none of them are men. So I must insist you remove that picture you hung of yourself!"

Chrom did not feel like arguing, especially not with Virion of all people, so he just jumped up and pushed past the ruffled archer. Inside the tent he indeed found all manner of nude portraits on the walls, but his focus was entirely on the poster Frederick had hung. He grabbed it and ran out the opposite side of the tent.

As he stumbled back out into the cold night air, Chrom looked up to see two me standing in the road. The first was the hulking, shirtless form of Vaike – and the second was the smaller Donnel. Both were staring at him and shaking their heads.

"Wow, milord, I didn't know this was the kind of stuff y'all big city fellers did to raise moral." Donnel shook his head.

"Chrom. Bro. The Vaike loves you in a _platonic_ way. You know the Vaike will swing a lot of things. Axes, Swords, Spears, Maces, Clubs... but the Vaike don't swing _that_ way." Vaike rambled, before he tossed more wadded-up balls of parchment at Chrom's feet.

As Chrom picked up the parchment balls to stuff them into the recesses of his bag, he noticed there were three. Despite his condition and his eagerness to get the rest of the posters down before they were seen, his curiosity got the better of him.

"Why are there three posters but only two of you? Oh, gods, did Frederick start hanging multiple posters!?" Chrom felt like he could cry.

He heard a third distinct voice clear his throat and Chrom turned to the right, and then uttered a sharp gasp when he spotted a third person. An enormous man in massive plate mail armor.

"Oh, Kellam..." Chrom finally recognized the third man. "When did you get here?"

"... I was here the whole time... I was even here before Vaike and Donnel..." Kellam sighed, shaking his head. "... would people notice me more if I hung up naked posters, do you think?"

Chrom decided it was best not to answer. He had more important tasks at hand. He turned and sprinted off towards the next set of tents, when his heart sank – the next tent was Lissa's. He hoped and prayed that his younger sister had not yet returned to her tent, but as he pushed through the flap he was greeted by the overwhelming sound of laughter.

Lissa was indeed in her tent, rolling around on the floor and laughing hysterically. She had one hand on her side, and in the other she held the poster. As she noticed Chrom through tear-filled eyes, she just laughed even harder and held out the poster to him.

"Lissa..." Chrom sighed as he snatched the poster away from his sister. He turned to leave – only to see an extremely angry looking Maribelle blocking his path. She held her umbella firm in her hands, and skewered at the tip of the parasol was another poster.

"Lord Chrom! I must say I am simply disgusted by this lurid display! You are to be our King – the noblest of all nobility! A good noble – especially a KING – should never so flagrantly display his... his... _crown!_"

"Heeeeey!" Lissa suddenly sat up and pouted, her laughter coming to an abrupt halt. "Don't call _that_ a crown! I get a crown too, and I sure as heck don't have one of those!"

It took all of Chrom's willpower not to scream. He snatched the poster from the end of Maribelle's parasol and rushed past her without a word. He could hear her yelling things at him, but Chrom did not want to stop to hear any of it.

Chrom was running so blindly he lost his way and ended up back beside his own tent. Just as he was about to turn around and reembark on his quest to find the posters, he heard footsteps and in an instant Lon'qu appeared from the side of his tent. The foreign swordsman looked enraged.

"Chrom!" Lon'qu growled as he ran over. "Just because I'm afraid of women doesn't mean I want to look at pictures of your junk!"

The prince groaned loudly, rubbing his hand through his blue hair. "It's not like that! This is all one big misunderstanding... where's the poster Frederick put in your tent?" Chrom made sure to distance this idea from being his.

Lon'qu looked skeptical, but merely shrugged his shoulders. "I sliced the offending drawing into pieces and let them blow away on the wind."

"Good enough." Chrom shrugged and he turned and rushed off, just as Lon'qu gasped and started shouting something else at him. Chrom knew he would have to explain things to everyone tomorrow, but right now he just wanted to get the rest of the posters and hope he could spare himself any further embarrassment.

Chrom's dash was interrupted after just a few feet, this time by Libra. The fair-haired man stepped out in front of Chrom, forcing the prince to stop in his tracks. For once, Libra's calm and gentle demeanor seemed broken.

"Sire, I must protest!" Libra shook his head. "I am a PRIEST! I cannot have such a picture hanging in my tent! It must be a holy place, free from such lurid thoughts!"

Libra handed a neatly folded poster to Chrom, who snatched it up and crumpled it badly as he forced it into his bag. Libra looked confused, but Chrom wasted no time in dashing off. He didn't want one more person to see these posters, but he had a feeling the damage was already done.

He threw open the next tent's flaps and found Miriel, who was sitting at her table, holding the poster in her hands and examining it carefully with a magnifying glass. Chrom felt his heart skip several beats and for a moment he was tempted to simply drop dead right there.

"M-Miriel! What are you doing!?" Chrom demanded, forgetting his task for a moment.

"Examining this rendition of yourself." Miriel explained in the same dull tone she always spoke in. "I must say, I do not find it very lifelike. You have engaged in combat on numerous occasions and have received many wounds, but this portrait does not show even a single scar. If the purpose of such an image was to be realistic, then it has failed. However, with the way in which it was drawn, I would hypothesis the actual goal of this image was to provoke feelings of sexual arousal towards you. Is this correct?"

Chrom turned as pale as fresh snow, finding that he was at a total loss for words. He dashed across the room, snatched the poster away from Miriel, and then ran out of the tent without another word. He wasn't sure when – or even if – he could ever speak to the Mage again.

As he ran down the road, he overheard two people arguing nearby and stopped in his tracks as his brain processed their words and he got the eerie feeling that he knew why they were arguing.

"Gregor doesn't think such pictures are appropriate for girl of your age."  
>"Gregooooor! Don't treat me like a kid! I may look little, but I'm a thousand year old dragon! Remember?"<p>

Chrom felt the sickening realization of what they were talking about and he jumped through the bushes to see the enormous mercenary Gregor, and beside him the green haired girl called Nowi.

"Ah! It's you, Chrom! You should not distribute such things to children's tents!" Gregor scolded the prince.

"I'm not a kiiiiiiiiiiiiid!" Nowi complained loudly, pouting and puffing out her cheeks. Then she looked up at Chrom. "... but, you know, just because I'm actually an adult doesn't mean I want to have posters like that on my wall."

Chrom felt worse than he had already, and he quickly snatched the posters away from Gregor. He hoped that since there were two clung in the mercenary's strong grip, it would account for the one from his tent and the one from Nowi's. Chrom muttered an apology as he went running off.

He came to another skidding halt in the dirt, kicking up a small cloud of dust, as he found the next tent. The large skull decoration on the flap marked it as Tharja's – and Chrom gulped at the idea of bursting into the Dark Mage's private room.

"Oh. It's you."

Chrom nearly jumped out of his skin as he heard Tharja's voice. He turned to see her slink out of the shadows, clutching a book to her chest as she often did. She paused, and then tossed a crumpled up poster to his feet. The dark-haired beauty had the same air of mystery and danger as always.

"... Not my taste. Although if you have a poster of Robin..." Tharja giggled and trailed off.

Chrom shuddered, grabbing the balled-up poster and taking off running even faster than before. He was sorely afraid of a hex from the half-crazed Plegian Mage. He turned a corner and came upon a small, wooden-stand that had been quickly built by the roadside.

Anna, the redheaded saleswoman, was leaning on the front of the stand – and much to Chrom's horror he saw several copies of the poster besides her.

"Oh, hey your highness!" Anna called out to him. "I loooove the poster! It's been great business!"

"W-W-What are you talking about? You're SELLING THESE!?" Chrom felt his stomach churn at the revelation.

Anna pressed a finger to her lip and nodded quizzically. "Of course! When I first saw Frederick posting them everywhere, I knew there was some value, so I've been copying them and now I'm ready to sell them! I'll sell them at every town we stop at, we should make a fortune!"

Chrom practically jumped forward, grabbing the entire stack and then rushing off. Anna jumped up and started yelling at him, demanding that he pay her thousands of gold pieces for a stack that size, but Chrom ignored her every word.

"MAN-SPAWN!"

The blue-haired prince nearly tripped over himself as suddenly Panne jumped out from the bushes. The half-rabbit woman growled at him as she blocked his path, narrowing her beady red eyes and barring her teeth.

"P-P-Panne!" Chrom stammered in surprise.

"What is this, man-spawn? Is this how your kind gives invitations to mate?!" Panne growled.

"N-NO!" Chrom shook his head and snatched the poster away from her. "This is all just a misunderstanding, Panne! Frederick messed up! Please, you must excuse me! I have to take down the rest of these!"

With a mighty leap, Chrom cleared Panne's path and ran back towards the main huddle of tents. He wanted this night to end, almost desperate enough to just return to his tent, bury his face in a pillow and hope that in the morning this would all be a bad dream.

His heart stopped as he reached Sumia's tent. He could hear the neigh of her Pegasus, and knew that she was likely inside. Reading himself for her reaction, Chrom ducked his head inside the tent.

Sumia was lying face down on the ground, a few feet away from her table with a pool of blood around her. Chrom gasped and he raced over, the silly posters forgotten as he scooped Sumia up into his arms.

"Sumia!? SUMIA!? Are you okay? What happened? What did this to you!?" Chrom tried to awaken her, shaking her slightly as he stared down at her bloody face.

"... Captain..." Sumia murmured. Chrom could see that the blood was coming not from a wound, but from her nose. "Captain's... Captain's penis!"

Sumia's deceleration was shouted louder than Chrom ever could have expected, and all color drained away from his skin. He looked down, horrified as he realized that the poster was clutched in her left hand.

He grabbed the poster, stuffed it in his bag, and then tucked Sumia into bed before rushing out of the tent, practically in tears.

As he stumbled down the road, his heavy boots leaving imprints in the dirt, Chrom's head was spinning. It seemed like almost everyone had already seen the posters, and he felt like he might collapse. Was there even any point in continuing?

"Chrom!"

From nearby, a nervous young man with a wizard's hat and a book clutched under his arm, came running forward. Ricken had long idolized Chrom, but right now he was frowning. "... We all look up to you, Chrom, and we all admire you... but this is ridiculous!"

Chrom felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Even Ricken seemed disgusted by all of this. He shook his head and rushed off, heading down towards the final few tents.

The next tent was Corderlia's, and Chrom took a deep breath before he came bursting in. He looked inside and was met by an immediate, surprised shout.

Corderlia was curled up in here bed, the blanket pulled up to her nose. From what little bit of her face was visible, she was as red as her long hair.

"Corderlia! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in bed..." Chrom gulped. "Um... did Frederick put a poster up in here?"

"P-Poster? No. No posters here. I've never even seen a poster. I don't even know what a poster is. Is it a type of cheese?" Corderlia stammered, keeping her face hidden. She shivered beneath the blanket. "C-Chrom, perhaps you can leave? I'm... um... trying to... sleep."

Chrom paused for a moment, and then a thought crossed his mind – a crazy thought, one that could not possibly be true. He shuddered and ran out, just on the off-chance that he was actually right about his suspicion.

He stumbled backwards, slipping on a rock and falling onto the ground. He groaned, rubbing his lower back as he heard laughter coming from his left. His head snapped around and he spotted Gaius, who was sitting at the base of a tree with a bag of candy propped open in his lap.

"I am so glad I started working for you Shepherd guys. This is the funniest thing I ever saw." Gaius chuckled loudly.

Chrom uttered a deep sigh. "... Is there a poster in your tent too?"

"There was, but I sold it to Anna. I also collected a bunch of others for her. She traded me a big bag of sweets!" Gaius grinned, revealing chocolate stains all over his teeth and lips.

"Good." Chrom sighed, laying back on the dirt, finally having collapsed. "I already got the stack from Anna. So that should be all of them. I collected them from everyone... except for... oh, GODS! Robin! I forgot to check Robin's tent!"

Gaius shrugged. "Well, everyone else has already seen it. So what's the big deal?"

Chrom uttered another groan, covering his face with his gloved hands. "... It's complicated. I... once kind of walked in on her when she was showering..."

Gaius broke into uproarious laughter, slapping his knee. He shook so much from his mirth that chocolate ended up in the end of his short red hair. "Oh man, that's just the best! Bubbles is going to kill you, bro."

"Maybe I'll have some good fortune tonight and she won't have found it yet..." Chrom muttered as he sat up.

Then, the night air was broken by a loud shout. "CHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

The blue-haired prince shuddered, and Gaius winced at the sound. From the other side of the camp, a tall woman with a black ponytail came bursting forth from her tent, a sword clutched tight in one hand and a spellbook in the other.

"Yeeeeah, Bubbles is going to kill you." Gaius shook his head. "I'll hide you under my bed in exchange for a big bucket of sugar cookies."

"Deal." Chrom quickly agreed.


End file.
